Dealing with Grief

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” -Leo Tolstoy

When I was 10 my father passed away from cancer. It was devastating. When something like that happens you have to grow up quickly. There is nothing anybody can say that will take away your pain, your raw, unadulterated grief. All you can do is acknowledge that life is not what you thought it was.

Because I have gone through this, I was hoping I could offer some advice and wisdom that I have learned from going through such a big loss.

Feel all of your feelings. Don’t push them away or try to repress them. Just feel them. Sit with yourself and observe the feelings that come up, ask yourself is this thought serving me? If it isn't, acknowledge it and let it slip away. Try not to dwell on the scary thoughts and feelings but make sure to acknowledge them.

Know that other people have gone through what you have and made it out ok, even wonderful. This experience will shape you. It will make you so strong and empathetic.

Give yourself time. I know it has been said millions of times but there is a reason for that. It’s true. Time heals wounds. What they don't say is that the wounds leave scars. The scars are there to remind you of how blessed you have been, how loved you have been, and how much you have loved. You got so much time with your loved one. None of those days were guaranteed but you got them anyways. You loved so much and you were (and are) loved so much. If that wasn’t true this loss wouldn't hurt as badly as it does. You are so lucky to have been blessed with all of that time and all of that love. Remember these things when you look at your scars.

It’s ok to be sad. It's also ok to laugh. All of your emotions are valid and natural. You don’t have to hide any of it. You also don't have to match any pictures of what grief "should look like”.

Learn to lean on your family. They can handle it. They WANT to handle it. They are there for you always. For whatever you need.

Part of healing is accepting what is. It's not ok that your loved one died but it happened and you have to accept it to begin to heal.

It's not anyone's fault that this happened but it's ok to be angry. You can be angry at the world (It doesn't feel very good though). You can even be mad at your dad if you need to be. Just make sure to be gentle with other people. Please treat them tenderly. They don't know what it's like to lose a parent. They don't know what you're going through. But, generally, everyone is just trying their best.

Keep talking about them. Talk about all the fun times and your favorite things about them. Don't shy away from sharing stories with friends. They may be uncomfortable because they don't want to cause you anymore pain. But, it's IMPORTANT. Keep him them through your memories.

Don't forget that it's never too late to keep learning about them. You can discover memories from anybody whose heart they touched.

Even I don't know what you're going through exactly. I have had a similar experience but I can't know what you're going through. But you have to trust that there are people everywhere that love you and want to help you be ok.

Don't compare your grief to anyone else’s.

Everyone gets through loss in their own way. But they get through it. You will get through it.

Accept help when you need it. Asking for help does not mean that you're weak. It means just the opposite. It means you're strong and resilient.

Something my mom used to say to my dad was: "Your mind is a dangerous place. Don't go there alone." After my dad passed and we were in the midst of our grief she began saying it to me. Now I'm saying it to you.

Maturity doen't mean "being brave" a.k.a. holding in your emotions and pretending you're ok when you're not. Maturity is when you are able to acknowledge your feelings and feel them. Even if you aren't feeling anything. Just sit with it. You are ok.

Know that no matter how strongly you are feeling something, it will pass. The anger will pass. The sadness that feels to heavy to carry will pass. The joy will passl The laughter will pass. So hold on to t the moment and wait out the awful ones. This too shall pass.

Now I want to tell you about some of the practical things I did/do to deal with my grief.

I write. I write about everything. I want to encourage you to do the same. Write about how you're feeling, what you miss, what your experiences are teaching you. You can even create a rage page and put all your anger onto that page.

Create. Sometimes drawing, painting or just scribbling as hard as you can, can make a huge difference. This gives you another outlet to express yourself if you're tired of words. P.S. (It doesn'thave to be pretty).

Read. Reading allows you to take a break from reality and escape to another world. You can be anybody, experience anything, through books. It also helps me to read about other people's grief just to remind myself that I am not alone in what I am feeling. Listening to music has a similar effect. Trhough music you cen experience other people's feelings. Music also helps to calm me down when I am overwhelmed with reality.

Go to therapy. There is no shame in having a therapist. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean you're "messed up". It means that you are strong enough to sort through your emotions and continue moving forward.

Move your body. Getting fresh air and exercise has always made a difference for me. It makes you feel more stable. For me it seems to be a magical way in which I can feel connected and raise my spirits.

Keep some of your loved one's clothing and wear it. I still wear my dad's t-shirts and it helps me feel closer to him.

Pick out your favorite picture of your loved one. When you are doing something important or are attending a big event, carry that picture with you. I have been doing this since I lost my dad. It makes me feel like he is with me and I can draw strength from him if I need it.

I also wanted to tell you that you can talk to them if you want to. You can write letters to them if you want to. You need to do whatever you want to, whatever your heart tells you, whatever reels right, in order to heal.

Lastly, I just want to tell you that I didn't know any of this. I learned these things because of my experiences. I made so many mistakes and you will too. And that's ok. It just means we're humans.

I am sending you so much love. Please know that I am here if you need anything. If you have nay questions, want to talk or rant, I am always available.

Love,

Olivia

P.S. for Guys

There is no way to "take it like a man". That's crazy. You have the right to grieve in whatever way you need to. There is no shame in crying. Tears come when we can't express outselves with words. There is no shame in having feelings. You can feel whatever you need to. It is essential to your healing process. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.